


something lost

by stonestars



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Gen, i'm incapable of writing something happy, the effects of lucretia's redaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 21:40:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13796889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonestars/pseuds/stonestars
Summary: There were many changes Lucretia couldn’t avoid. She knows this. But there were some that she could’ve. And those are the changes that haunt her.-We all know how careful Lucretia tried to be in the redaction. She didn't want to fundamentally change her friends if she could avoid it, wanted to leave as much in tact as she could. But sometimes one or two words, just a little insignificant detail, ends up causing a change that serves as a glaring reminder of what she did. And what she could've avoided.





	something lost

When they are pulled apart, so many things change. 

Lucretia does not expect the pieces to fit together anymore. 

She knows that altering their memories has changed each of them deeply; she only needs to look at Davenport to know what it can do to a person. It hurts her to see the changes, to see that Magnus doesn’t understand strength in the same way he once did, that Taako has turned to self-deprecation and isolation, that Merle calls himself shallow and has become cynical, because she knows it’s her fault. 

But she expected this, she braced herself against this, and when she sees them she refuses to let herself fall to the whispers in her head of ‘ _ there’s still a way to get my family back.’  _ She was prepared for this storm, and she will not bow to it.

But there are some things Lucretia did not expect. When she erased their journey, it sent ripples through their lives. She did not fully understand Fisher’s power, did not realize the extent of what a few words in a story could do to a person.

There were many changes Lucretia couldn’t avoid. She knows this. But there were some that she could’ve. And those are the changes that haunt her.

 

\--

 

Magnus' favorite sweet changes. 

She forgot to exclude that it was his favorite when she rewrote the details of a cycle. It was a little slip. Three words less and he would still love the taste of butterscotch candy. 

-

_ I finally gave Magnus his present today-- the butterscotch I managed to pay for by working in a local library. I didn’t think I’d ever use the information from the ‘get to know your crewmates’ surveys the IPRE made us do, but I guess I didn’t expect a lot of things. He was so happy when he thanked me. I was just glad to be able to find some of his favorite sweet to remind him of home. _

_ -Lucretia’s journal, cycle 12 _

-

She buys him some for the birthday party they throw for him on the Bureau of Balance headquarters, thinking they're still his favorite.

He thanks her, genuinely, but he’s not as excited as he was when she gave them to him so many years ago, and just like that, she knows. 

"I thought you might like them," she says; she means: "I thought they were your favorite." 

Magnus shrugs. "They're okay," he says. Taako calls him away and he disappears into the crowd. 

He likes Turkish delights now.

Lucretia doesn’t call after him.

-

It doesn’t take long for her to figure out why. 

She hadn’t expected to take something like this from him. It was something so simple, so innocent, something she had included because she was worried that the context of the gift might provide a tie back to their homeworld and she was already risking a lot by leaving as much as she could in. 

That night she sees Magnus’ tearful grin from cycle 12 when she closes her eyes to go to sleep. She’d never seen a person be so happy to receive a gift.

She stole that from him, too.

 

\--

 

Taako can no longer stand the feel of velvet. 

There was a world in which he and Lup invented velvet because he loved it so much. She had to include that interaction; had to because it involved Lup. She could not leave them with even the slightest trace of a memory about her. 

She was tired when she wrote it. 

-

She has velvet blankets sent to Taako’s room during the wintertime. She sees Magnus, a few days later, carrying a giant pile of velvet blankets.

She calls him over. “Where’d you get those?”

“Oh, Taako says he hates the feel of velvet, so I’m taking these to Carey and Killian’s,” Magnus answers. A blanket slips off the top of the pile.

“Right, I guess it’s not for everyone,” Lucretia replies. 

Magnus doesn’t notice the blanket that fell. Lucretia picks it up as he walks away, 

The fabric is cool, smooth. It reminds Lucretia of the velvet dress the twins made for her. The thought provides no comfort.

-

She spends hours searching through her copy of the journal she erased to find out why. She was so careful with Taako’s redactions, she had already taken so much from him and she couldn’t stand the thought of taking more than she needed to.

-

_ The ruler of this city has invited us to a ball. It would be dangerous to anger someone so powerful so early in a cycle, so we agreed to go. _

_ Taako and Lup told us they would only go if we could all have matching velvet ensembles. Davenport asked them why; none of us really understood. Lup told us that velvet is the only fabric that Taako would never hate the feeling of. Taako laughed, but didn’t disagree. Since none of us cared one way or the other, the twins are making our outfits. _

_ They asked me to help with the sewing, but I’m not even sure velvet exists in this world, because we can’t find it anywhere. Taako is getting fed up. _

_ -Lucretia’s journal, cycle 27 _

-

She finds the page, reading it over and over. She could’ve said; “Lup teases Taako about it.” She could’ve said; “The twins invent velvet for our outfits just because they want to.” She could’ve said; “ _ Lup  _ invents velvet because she wants to.” She didn’t even have to include Taako. 

But she did.

And he likes silk now.

 

\--

 

Merle forgets his own joke. 

It shouldn't even matter to her that he forgets. It’s practically nothing in the grand scheme of things. Just a silly joke. 

-

They’re at the spa and he asks her what she’s drinking. “Grape juice,” she says, flashing back to a day when the two of them were on look out together for signs of the Light of Creation. He’d been the one drinking, then.

“Oh, how old is it?” Merle asks. She smiles; she asked him the same thing.

“125 years old,” she says. Merle had looked guilty to be caught in the act of drinking while on duty back then. Now he just looks confused.

“You know there’s a name for grape juice that’s 120-something years old,” he tells her. He does not smile. 

She tries not to let her disappointment show. _ Of course he wouldn’t remember, _ she tells herself. “That was what my jokes sound like,” she says.  _ Even if it was your joke once. _

-

_ The Light should hit any day now. We’re taking watch in shifts. _

_ Merle was on watch with me. He’s waiting until it’s closer to the end of this cycle to go to John.  _

_ He was drinking while on duty. I called him out on it and he said it was grape juice. He was trying to tell a joke; when I didn’t pick up on it he told me it was 120 years old with a wink. I’m surprised he’s still in such high spirits, he’s died more times than I can count. I suppose I’ll never understand the ways in which his faith works.  _

_ I’m just grateful he can still smile. _

_ -Lucretia’s journal, cycle 40 _

-

That day was the first time in a long time she had smiled. It was the first time in a long time she had seen  _ him  _ smile. It wouldn’t matter to her that much, shouldn’t matter, but the memory was a good one. 

She remembers telling the joke herself in a later cycle. Magnus and Barry hadn’t gotten it. Davenport had sighed, Taako had rolled his eyes, and Lup had pretended not to laugh. 

Merle had clapped her on the shoulder. “That’s my girl,” he’d said, smiling at her as he stole the bottle of wine and poured himself a glass.

It’s not much, but it’s a joke that reminds her of what it felt like to be a family. One that makes her smile, to this day.

Merle smiled at it too, once. He doesn’t now.

 

\--

 

Magnus does not sing anymore.

Lucretia remembers the folk songs they used to sing when cycles got bad. Songs from their home, songs that reminded them of their childhoods, songs that meant hope. Simple little songs. They would all join in, sitting around in the Starblaster’s lounge. They’d start out on couches and chairs, but by the end of the night they would be sprawled out on the floor together. It was a reminder to all of them that no matter how rough things were, they had each other to lean on.

The songs always started with Magnus. He’d go to the lounge and sit down on the floor and just start singing.

They’d all come to him.

-

It’s karaoke night at the Bureau of Balance; it was suggested by HR as a way to keep all of the Bureau's employees connected, and Lucretia had agreed to let it be organized. She is sitting against one wall, a tall glass of wine in her had. 

Leon is on stage when Taako and Merle drag Magnus past Lucretia. Magnus is pulling back against them, shaking his head.

“Come on you big oaf,” Taako grunts, tugging Magnus’ arm.

“I told you, Taako,” Magnus says, “I don’t sing.”

“Oh  _ yes  _ you do,” Taako says. “Because if  _ Taako  _ is getting up there, you two dolts are accompanying me.”

“ _ Hey _ , _ ”  _ Merle says, stopping where he is and crossing his arms. “I was  _ helping _ you.”

Taako waves a hand to dismiss them. “Come on,” he says.

“I  _ don’t  _ sing,” Magnus insists.

Lucretia knows she shouldn’t say anything, but the wine has loosened her tongue just enough. “I’d love to hear you sing, Magnus,” she pipes up. The three of them jump, noticing her for the first time.

“Sorry, Director,” Magnus says, recovering quickly. “I don’t sing.”

_ But you have such a beautiful voice,  _ she thinks. She does not say this, instead taking a long sip of her wine to collect herself.

Try as they might, Merle and Taako do not get Magnus on stage that night.

-

_ Magnus just started singing today. All of us are still dealing with the shockwaves of losing Lup so early in a cycle, Taako and Barry are taking it hard.  _

_ We were all in different parts of the ship when he started, but we all ended up in the lounge. By the time I got there, Merle and Davenport were already there, too, and Magnus had gotten them to start singing. They teased me into joining in, we spent a while singing the children’s songs that Magnus chose before Barry joined us, too, and then a while longer and Taako wandered in. Neither of them began singing immediately. _

_ By the end of the night we were lying on the floor, a few bottles of alcohol down, and Taako and Barry were singing, too. It was the first time I’d seen either of them smile since Lup went down.  _

_ It was nice to remember what home felt like. _

_ -Lucretia’s journal, cycle 5 _

-

A section of Lucretia’s redaction is pages and pages of folk songs. She had thought long and hard over a way to avoid this, but she knew that she couldn’t leave a song from their homeworld in their memories. She couldn’t have them singing about a legend that did not exist to this world, it would raise too many questions. So she spends hours writing out the songs that have brought them together, trying not to think about how what she’s doing will drive them apart. 

-

At first, she could not understand what had changed. Her redaction should’ve erased the songs, of course, but she’d figured he’d just learn songs from  _ this  _ world. 

Lucretia erased all of the songs he knew. It was not that he couldn’t sing, or couldn’t learn new songs. It was that she’d erased his desire to learn them altogether.

She cannot stand the thought of never hearing him sing again, but she is the only one who knows how beautiful his voice can be.

 

\--

 

Taako does not know how to make black tea anymore.

He and Lup had no idea how to brew any tea when they met Lucretia, Lup had explained many cycles into their journey that it was because they’d never had a reason to learn. Tea was a luxury, something that there was no reason to waste money on when they needed to buy food, buy materials for their spells. It was the first time she got an idea of what their life was like before the IPRE.

-

_ The twins-- Taako and Lup-- are an unusual pair. I’ve never met elves that act the way they do.  _

_ Taako caught me in the kitchen, tonight. He didn’t say a word as I brewed my cup of tea, didn’t bother to ask why I was awake at 2 in the morning when I should definitely be getting rest for the next day of training. He just stared at me until I was done, and then got up and went back to his room. I’m not really sure what he wanted. _

_ -Lucretia’s journal, the IPRE pre-mission training camp _

_ - _

_ Taako met me in the kitchen again. It’s becoming a habit of his. He watches me make my tea without saying a word. I finally asked him why. He told me he was trying to learn, and when I asked him if he knew how to make tea he looked uncomfortable. Apparently he never learned. I offered to teach him and he agreed. He’s a natural in the kitchen, so he picked up on it quickly, but he seemed grateful that I took the time to show him. He told me not to bother coming all the way to the kitchen for my tea tomorrow night; he’ll bring it to me in my quarters.  _

_ I think Taako and I will be able to get along well. _

_ -Lucretia’s journal, cycle 2 _

_ - _

Lucretia has many things in her private quarters at the Bureau, but the one thing she does not have is a kitchen. Instead, she finds herself in the Bureau's main kitchen, just after midnight, waiting for water to boil. 

She insists on making her own tea. Taako was the only other person who made it just the way she liked it.

She sighs as the thought crosses her mind. It hasn’t been long since Taako, Magnus, and Merle have returned to her side, she’s still dealing with the aftereffects of seeing them for the first time in so long. 

“Night owl, much?” Taako’s voice makes her jump. She turns, her eyes finding his in the dim light. 

“Taako,” she says, as the kettle begins to boil. She turns, not finishing her thought, and busies herself with pouring the water over the tea leaves she’s already measured out.

She catches him watching her intently as she finishes pouring her cup. “Did you need something?” she asks, uncomfortable under his inquisitive gaze.

“Just watching,” he says. He waves a hand dismissively. “I don’t make tea, never learned. Don’t have the patience to wait long enough for it to taste right, anyway.”

“Maybe I can teach you,” Lucretia offers, her throat feeling tight.

-

He does not take her up on the offer.

She remembers all of the times he knocked on her door in the middle of the night, coming in and setting a cup of tea down next to where she was working by candlelight. He’d watch her write for a little while, and then get bored, leaving with a “Don’t forget to get some sleep, Luce,” and a wave over his shoulder.

She remembers bringing him tea, during cycles where they lost someone, especially those in which they lost Lup. He doesn’t like it as strong as she does, she learned this quickly. She also learned that he wouldn’t answer his door, so she’d just walk in, glance at the pile of blankets beneath which Taako was hiding, and leave the tea on the nightstand without a word. The cups were always empty the next day.

When he finally left his room, he wouldn’t speak to many of them. But that night he would come in and wordlessly set a cup of tea down next to her as she worked, and she knew he appreciated what she had done.

She wonders if she will ever have another of his cups of tea. 

 

\--

 

Merle doesn’t grow flowers anymore.

There was a time when he argued with Davenport for hours over dinner, bugging him day and night until he was given permission to build a small garden on the deck of the Starblaster where the flowers he grew would have enough light. 

-

_ Merle asked for my help in the garden that Davenport let him create on the ship’s deck. He’s growing flowers for us.  _

_ He told me it’s because none of us stop and smell the flowers anymore. Then he winked. I think he was trying to make a joke.  _

_ I wasn’t much help. I’d find a flower that looked like it was in rough shape, but I would be at a loss as to how to tend to it. Merle would come over, take one look at the plant, and know exactly what to do with it.  _

_ He teased me for not knowing how to handle the flowers, but he admitted that he trained and worked with them a lot to be able to get to the point where he is today. “If we keep on like this you’ll be better than me someday, Luce,” he told me with a grin, “you just gotta learn how to talk to them right.” Somehow I doubt it. _

_ -Lucretia’s journal, cycle 15 _

_ - _

_ Merle used to hum or whistle while he worked on the garden. Now, it seems, he’s traded that in for flirting with his plants.  _

_ I get the feeling that he’s always done this when I’m not around, because the flowers are very responsive to him. They perk up when he speaks and bloom just a little bigger with nearly every word. He caught me, slightly uncomfortable and blushing as I watched him, and laughed. I guess he just doesn’t really care if I overhear.  _

_ It’s oddly comforting, in a way, like he doesn’t feel like he has to hide anything from me anymore.  _

_ I guess I don’t mind that much. _

_ -Lucretia’s journal, cycle 19 _

_ - _

She spots him one day sneaking around the Bureau. She follows him for a while, until he kneels down among some bushes. 

“Merle?” she calls out, suddenly worried.

“ _ Shit, _ ” she hears him say. She comes closer, her concern growing.

Merle is crouched down on the ground, his hands covered in dirt as he tends to a small shrub. The shrub is a little sickly, and Merle hurries to pretend it isn’t there.

“What are you up to?” she asks, less concerned and more amused now. Only Merle would try to hide a garden like this.

“Just a little gardening,” he admits, moving to the side to let her see beyond him.

There are shrubs of every size and shape. Some of them are trimmed, others are slightly overgrown. Lucretia is surprised no one has reported this to her.

“No flowers?” she notes out loud. Merle had once told her he liked growing flowers the best. 

“Nah,” Merle says, waving a hand as he begins to get back to work. “I’ve never been able to get the hang of growing those. Can’t seem to figure out what they need when. Just figured it’d be best to stop trying.”

-

The Merle she once knew called her ‘my girl’ and ‘Luce’ and bugged their captain for weeks to get a flower garden on the Starblaster because it might make them smile. He wore flowers in his beard that he grew himself, and if she helped him in the garden he’d braid one into her hair for her.

The Merle that was born from her redaction calls her “Director” and hides his garden in a corner of the moon. He does not grow flowers, he buys bouquets from the Fantasy Costco and picks wildflowers on his journeys. He has never seen her with a flower in her hair.

She tries to grow an orchid in his honor, because she has no one to blame for this but herself and because she can’t stop thinking about all the flowers that he’ll never grow. She doesn’t know how to tend to it properly, and it wilts on her desk, starved of sunlight. She’s not surprised.

 

\--

 

The world is saved, and her friends remember.

-

It’s hard to figure out what this means.

Magnus never likes butterscotch the same as he used to. Taako and Lup wear velvet ensembles to a ball held in honor of the world’s salvation. Merle tells his joke at a party and everyone laughs.

-

Lucretia buys Magnus Turkish delights for his birthday, now. The velvet dress that Taako and Lup made her stays in her closet and she does not try to put it on. Someone asks her what she is drinking and she says “Wine.”

She doesn’t know what she expected.

 

\--

 

The world moves on, her friends are the same and different all at once.

-

Magnus sings, now, but only at special occasions and never on his own; he stumbles over the phrases of songs unfamiliar to this body. His voice is still beautiful, it still sounds like home and family and feeling warm for the first time in too long. 

She doesn’t join in anymore.

-

Lucretia never gets another cup of Taako’s tea. They find a precarious balance, built on nothing more than both of them agreeing not to talk about it. He still calls her Luce and sets her a place at his table for family dinners. She shows up and does not ask too many questions. She never sees him cry again. 

-

Watching Merle work in his large flower garden becomes the same as it was before they had bonded. He whistles aimlessly to himself, smiling as he gardens. He does not say a word. She can't tell if it's because of the lasting effects her redaction, if she's to blame for this too, or if he's hiding it from her again.

She does not know which possibility hurts more.

-

When they crashed back together, the pieces fell just a little bit out of place. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm incapable of writing something happy about TAZ, apparently


End file.
